Some people get scared to the idea of getting married because of the negative feedback we always hear and receive about marriage. Is It really OK to hate your spouse at times? We asked marriage therapists to weigh in.
The idea behind “normal marital hatred” is that once you recognize that the feeling is normal, you can become better equipped to handle your anger.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes “normal marital hatred”?
That’s the latest buzzword to enter the relationship/pop psychology space, thanks to marriage therapist Terrence Real, a family therapist for two decades and the author of the new book “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.”
In an interview with The Washington Post, Real illuminated what he means by “normal marital hatred.”
“There are going to be moments when you look at your partner, and at that moment, there is a part of you that just hates their guts,” Real told the paper. “You’re trapped with this horrible human being. How did you wind up here? What I want to say is, ‘Welcome to marriage. Welcome to long-term relationships.’”
The idea is, once you recognize that marital hatred is par for the course in long-term unions, you can learn how to defuse the situation. Critics online, though, were quick to call the concept of “marital hatred” into question. (The term is decidedly less warm and fuzzy sounding than a concept like “love languages.”)
“It’s not normal to hate your spouse,” said Hannah Evans, a sociology Ph.D. candidate whose tweet was widely shared. “If you hate your spouse, you should see a therapist and/or get a divorce. The point of platforming all of these opinion pieces that basically say the same thing appears to me to be trying to discourage people, particularly women, from leaving.”
“I don’t think marital hatred is the right word for this, as hatred implies a deep disdain for the other person.”
Sex and culture writer Ella Dawson shared her thoughts, too. “I don’t know who needs to hear this tonight but it is not healthy to hate your partner. It is not healthy to ~occasionally~ hate your partner,” she tweeted. “Frustration and annoyance are going to pop up in any long-term relationship, but hatred should not.”
Idealizing your relationship to the point that you think it will remain anger- and argument-free is a bad idea, of course, but is calling angsty moments “normal marital hatred” going a little too far? Is Real right in saying it’s normal to hate your spouse? Is it normal and commonplace but still gravely unhealthy? Is it a clever marketing ploy when “disdain” or “annoyance” would have gotten the point across better? (Probably, yes!)
To answer those questions, we asked other marriage therapists to weigh in on Real’s claim that sometimes we all low-key hate the ones we love. Here’s what they had to say.
“If [your hate] is a day or a week here and there after a fight, that’s normal.”
“This is certainly a pretty normal feeling for most long-term married people. There are seasons of a marriage where you feel disconnected, angry and even hateful. If this is all the time, something is wrong. But it’s very harmful to act as though marriage should be all happiness all the time. This is an impossible expectation for all but newlyweds. Some people feel emotions more intensely than others, so they will feel hate vs. irritation. I think a good analogy is sometimes you hate your sibling even if you love them overall. Close relationships lead to intense feelings. If you hate your spouse unrelentingly for months, try couples counselling, but if it’s a day or a week here and there after a fight, that’s normal.” ― Samantha Rodman Whiten, a clinical psychologist and the host of “The Dr Psych Mom Show” podcast
The post IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL ‘NORMAL MARITAL HATRED’? appeared first on Entertainment SA - South African Entertainment News, Celebrity and Lifestyle Online Magazine & Entertainment.
Post a Comment